Disgusted and Annoyed

So there's been a lot of stuff going on lately..

I'm always trying to be carefree and not-so-calculative person. Sometimes when stuff happens, i just ignore it because i thought that small issues shouldn't be made into a big thing. BUT! because of my "it's-ok!- this-will-be-the-last-time!", the same problems keep coming back to me. You might think that why not i just tell/communicate with the other party so that the problem will resolve.

1. I try not to be rude to my family members as i was brought up not to talk back to the elders. It's stressful when X make hurtful comments and said sorry later. X would said that because X knows that i'm a cheerful person and wouldnt keep those word at heart, so X can just blurt them out. Even if X knows that i hated it when X does that, X just continue with random mood swings and firing them at me.

2. I'm in a complicated relationship with this person. Sometimes when Y is vulnerable, i just felt like taking care of Y as if Y is my younger sister. But... because there's a debt that Y owed me, i felt like Y is taking advantage of me. I'm not sure if she cares/know. BUT it is the kind of thing that when you bring the topic up, our relationship will never be the same again..

------------

my younger siblings are also worrying me. Their attitude.. is... so... fcked up? but luckily not all the time tho.. I'm not sure how am i going to survive with them in the future when they migrate to the states. I tried to be patient for now and keep telling myself that i will be leaving soon. arghhh.. these thoughts aren't suppose to be in my head as my main purpose coming back is to spend time with my family.. I dont know anymore.... family.. friends... myself...

p/s: i want to stand on a mountain just to scream my lungs out for now...